Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
