Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
