I think my vagina is haunted
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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