yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
