Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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