so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
