You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
