Someone shit on the floor
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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