he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I enjoy the company of your penis
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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