i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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