I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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