Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They have beer where we have blood.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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