my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
