plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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