my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
