I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
