Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
