In the future we'll all be gay
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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