I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
