I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
