just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
