Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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