I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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