That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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