Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
