just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
How's work?
Spinning.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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