If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
