i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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