The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
