My room smells like vodka and shame
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
