Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just cropdusted the office
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
