Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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