Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
