tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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