you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
