That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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