It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
