yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
