That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You don't make any sense
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