I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
