My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
