After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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