when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The Olympian is in my bed
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
