Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
