Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
