I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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