Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
