we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
