I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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