My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
