On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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